The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly: 2025 Big 12 Quarterbacks Edition

[Editor’s note: The Commander Ace Hunter is back in the house!]

“How much do you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?”

Forget all the stats and the traditional media hype, what you need to feed your football soul is the straight talk only the Commander can feed you. 

So, grab a seat at the table and open wide.

The Good

“Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.”

Sam Leavitt, ASU

It’s interesting that Leavitt signed with Michigan State out of high school when from an early age he aspired to be a Scottsdale Uber Douche. Head Coach Kenny Dillingham had this to say on the upcoming season, “We are truly hopeful we will get a chance to witness Sam’s manifestation into Final Boss Chode this year. Personally, I already have a chubby.”

Josh Hoover, TCU

What Hoover was able to accomplish on the gridiron in 2024 while also serving as a member of the California State Assembly from the 7th district was truly special. Throwing for almost 4,000 yards while keeping the citizens of the Sacramento County suburbs of Rancho Cordova, Fair Oaks, Folsom, and Citrus Heights happy and well represented is something few people could accomplish. Especially at such a young age and while maintaining a 3.4 gpa. 

Hold on…I might be confused. Shit.

The Bad

“If you think you can build an offense around a guy who throws like Edward Scissorhands then we’re going to play a hell of a lot of defense.”

Nicco Marchiol, WVU

Let’s be honest here. The only thing that Marchiol scares is underage girls with restraining orders against him. IYKYK. In all seriousness, if Rich Rod believes unleashing a QB who spends more time groping coeds than watching film enroute to a 58% completion rate and 8/5 TD to INT ratio scares any Big 12 Defensive Coordinators, he should’ve stayed at J’Ville.

Noah Fafita, UA

Noah, Noah, Noah. You still here? Still squeezing that half season of solid play in 2023 for all it’s worth, I see. I thought for sure he’d have disappeared quietly into the Sonoran Desert after the last year and a half of bad play and even worse decisions. At least you have that bag the boosters gave you to stay in Tucson. Unfortunately, you didn’t read the fine print on the contract, and you got stuck with a head coach who draws up his game plans in crayon. In the immortal words of DJ Khalid, “Congratulations, you played yourself.”

The Ugly

“You looking for sympathy? Look in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis.”

McCae Hillstead, BYU

McCae Hillstead? McCae? Hillstead? Are you shitting me? This kid could be the guaranteed second coming of Tom Brady and I’d still place him here based solely on that name. It’s like Erewhon knocked up a Hot Yoga Studio/Milk Bar and it squeezed out a kid. All that’s missing is the generational suffix, like the IV. Which ironically is the number of games he’ll start before being replaced by whichever backup is most directly related to Joseph Smith. 

Zanes Flores, OSU

In a QB room that looks like the bathrooms on a turbulent flight from Mumbai to Marseille, Flores looks to have the first crack at leading the ‘Pokes to another 3-9 season. Flores’ claim to fame to date is slingin’ the rock to a high school varsity record of 12-8 at a school with a total enrollment of just over 300 boys (basically Cherry Creek’s 2025 roster). Countdown to a Mike Gundy “I’m a man!” press conference redux begins…NOW.

Dishonorable Mention

“I was NEVER great. I was pretty good. I was great for around here.”

Rocco Becht, ISU – He can’t help it if his team looks like a monochromatic 1930’s newspaper comic strip every time they take the field. “Okay boys, let’s hit ‘em in the bazoo with the ‘ol razzle dazzle, hotsie totsie and send ‘em away in the meat wagon!”

Avery Johnson, KSU – Face like a potato. Smack talk like a 5^th grader. Hair like an ABBA Fan Club president. Smells like Bath & Body Works Vanilla Bean and will ask to speak with the manager if you tackle him too hard.

Kaidon Salter, CU – Nah, not gonna do it.

Sawyer Robinson, BU – It’s ironic that that Robinson is related to Jarret Stidham. Ironic in the sense that there was actually enough mediocrity in that family to fill the tanks of two people.

Connor Weigman, UH – Mediocre QB transfers 1.5 hours down the road and is still mediocre. Film at 11.

Devon Dampier, UU – Mediocre QB transfers from current MWC school to former MWC school and is still mediocre. Film at 11:05. 

Behren Morton, Texas Tech – The quarterback equivalent of a rodeo clown. Might be entertaining to some who are into that sort of thing, but when the makeup comes off is just another sad and awkward carny who will never make it on a bigger stage.

Brendon Sorsby, UC – 6-13 as a starter and lives in Cincinnati. There’s not a lot I can say that makes it much worse than this. 

Jaylon Sanders, KU – This dude is either the Man of Steel or Mr. Glass. Based on his career track in odd numbered years, he’ll be in a wheelchair discussing right and wrong with Bruce Willis by Game 5. 

Player To Be Named Later, UCF – Rumor has it Scott Frost will be choosing his 2025 QB by throwing darts at media guide photos posted on his office wall. Rumor also has it that he’s been continually drunk since arriving back in Orlando and has yet to even hit the wall. 

“I just wanted to say good-bye and remind you that the good guys always win, even in the eighties.” – Commander Ace Hunter

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