BIG 12 COACHES AS RESTAURANTS

The Big 12 Conference is comprised of 4 former Pac 12 schools, the Diet Texas Schools, and the Flyover State Schools.  Accordingly, the food choices in most Big 12 Cities are not, ahem, fine dining*.  

Better food in Ames or Stillwater?  No.  Better food in Lawrence or Provo?  Nope.  Better food in Morgantown or Manhattan?  Never.

But this won’t stop us from comparing each Big 12 coach to a fast-food restaurant.  After all, empty calories and greasy coaches go together like I-80 and the Big 12 Conference. Oh, and one thing for the reader —- this post is PEAK off-season material.  Don’t get offended — we acknowledge this is 100%, no 1000%, DUM.  That means the article is so dumb it doesn’t know how to spell dumb.  

* Boulder/Longmont excepted.  And quick shout out to Boulder’s Frasca Restaurant, which won the James Beard Award for Best Restaurant in the USA last week. Also, CD’s Wings, move to Longmont please. And please become a sponsor for BuffsBlogs. We’ll take our payment in free Notorious RBG chicken wings.

Dave Aranda (Baylor) – Church’s Chicken

Under Aranda, Baylor often ends up fried and crispy by halftime.  <rim shot>

Aranda is a defensive guru that gives off vibes of a mild-mannered Church’s cashier who whispers “be blessed” after serving you runny mashed potatoes. He’s traditional and conservative, two things that actually work pretty well in Waco, Texas.

Joey McGuire (Texas Tech) – Taco Bell*

Joey McGuire came to Lubbock after rising through the Texas high school ranks with a vast menu of offensive items….sort of like Taco Bell.    

Also, news media in Lubbock recently sent a letter to Del Taco asking them to bring their fine dining to West Texas. https://kfmx.com/dear-del-taco-please-come-to-lubbock-texas/. Seriously, Lubbock, if this isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is.

Tech fans literally throw tortillas on the field for fun, so that fits our dumb narrative.  We enjoyed the scene last season when Shedeur Sanders autographed a tortilla thrown by Tech fans and threw it back into the stands, and then proceeded to make them eat a 41-27 loss on their home field. 

For these reasons, Joey McGuire is Taco Bell*.

* Maybe Del Taco in the future. Fingers crossed.  

Kalani Sitake (BYU) – Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A markets itself as pure and family-friendly, just like BYU pretends all its players are choir boys who’ve never heard of caffeine or premarital eye contact.  Who’s Jake Retzlaff??? Never heard of him.  Still, don’t be fooled by the polite façade because Sitake’s Cougars will knock you on your ass with fundamental football. They’re tough, and Sitake is a great coach.

BUT — BYU’s homophobia (like Chick-Fil-A) is dangerous and actually un-Christian. If who someone loves makes you uncomfortable, that’s not “faith” — that’s fear dressed up in scripture. BYU’s team is full of guys that can run a 4.4, bench 300, and are scared of guys in glitter. Come on, fellas. It’s 2025.

Scott Satterfield (Cincinnati) – Skyline Chili

Skyline Chili, the Cincinnati “delicacy” of spaghetti drowning in sweet chili and neon-orange cheese, is really bad.  The WTF moment you have when you take your first bite is like the feeling you get when you remember that Cincinnati is in the Big 12.  

Skyine Chili and Cincinnati in the Big 12….the taste of failure.  Watching Cincy try to hang in the Big 12 is like watching someone eat a large Skyline Chili and then run a marathon. You admire the courage, but you know they’re gonna have some….uh, issues before halftime.

Scott Frost (UCF) – Hot Dog on a Stick

Scott Frost is a Nebraska Corndog.  

We HATE Corndogs.  

Because he’s always a Corndog, Scott Frost is Hot Dog on a Stick.  

Rich Rodriguez (West Virginia) – Waffle House

West Virginia football fans are infamous for burning couches after big wins. That energy perfectly matches Waffle House: open all night, occasionally on fire, and absolutely no one sober is in charge. Rich Rod at WVU is like a short-order cook returning to the grimiest Waffle House on the interstate – he knows the grill, he left under ahem tense circumstances, but deep down it’s home. 

Morgantown itself is basically a Waffle House of college towns: rowdy, a bit grimy, but you will make great memories you can’t fully remember. Just keep the fire department on standby and the liability insurance updated.

Chris Klieman (Kansas State) – Applebee’s

Chris Klieman’s brand isn’t gourmet. It’s no-frills and bland to outsiders. 

It’s the kind of brand that isn’t going to boast very much.  “Best restaurant in town?”  Nope, too arrogant.  “Best restaurant on this side of town?”  Nope, too presumptuous.  “Best restaurant within a 1 or 2 block radius?”  BINGO.  That’s where we get “Eating Good in the Neighborhood.”  

Matt Campbell (Iowa State) – Dairy Queen

Matt Campbell is basically Dairy Queen, the rural staple where the big treat is a Blizzard – very on-brand for the Iowa State Cyclones. 

Campbell’s tenure has been about taking a traditionally shitty program and making it halfway decent – sort of like turning milk into a milkshake. 

Lance Leipold (Kansas) – Domino’s Pizza

Kansas football was the absolute dirt worst Power 5 program for a decade.  It was as appetizing as a week-old pizza under Delta Tau Delta’s couch. Enter Lance Leipold, who has pulled off a recipe revamp worthy of Domino’s Pizza. You might recall Domino’s literally ran ads admitting “Our pizza used to suck, so we fixed it.” That’s Kansas in a nutshell. Leipold came in and basically said, “Yeah, we know we’ve been awful, but give us a try now.” Lo and behold, the Jayhawks stale program now tastes halfway decent. 

Extra pepperoni, Lance.  

Sonny Dykes (TCU) – Panda Express

Sonny Dykes had the wild idea of taking TCU to the national title game in 2022, an unexpected high that felt great — until the crash. Dykes is a quick hit of Orange Chicken success that tastes great but leaves you feeling queasy about twenty minutes later. 

Sure, the win against Michigan in the national semifinals two years ago was a big win. But next?  Heartburn.  A 65-7 demolition in the title game against Georgia that was as painful as realizing you shouldn’t have had that second helping of General Tsao’s Chicken. 

Bon appétit, Sonny.

Kenny Dillingham (Arizona State) – Hooters

Why Hooters? Well, ASU is basically Hooters University. It’s a party school with a reputation for beautiful people and questionable decision-making.   Dillingham, at 34, is one of the youngest head coaches in the nation, just like a manager at Hooters who’s only a few years older than the waitstaff and might still join them for Fireball shots but ony after he finalizes tomorrow’s work schedule. 

Under Herm Edwards, ASU was a full-on dumpster fire, so Dillingham took over a mess. To his credit, he brought a lot of energy to the program.   Dillingham is an ASU alum living his dream, like a kid who grew up to run his favorite sports bar. And damn if he didn’t turn the place around overnight.

Last, a BuffsBlog scoop for you — Dillingham was ready, willing and about to accept Deion Sanders’ job offer to become CU’s offensive coordinator 2 years ago….but then ASU offered him its head coaching job. Don’t worry, Buff fans — we ended up with Pat Shurmur!!!

Brent Brennan (Arizona) – Arby’s

“We have the meats!” they shout.  Yeah, but do you really want them? 

Brennan came to Arizona from San Jose State with a sub-.500 record, and Arizona’s decision to name him head coach was about as inspired as choosing Arby’s for dinner. 

Brennan’s early tenure has been predictably blah. The Wildcats remain near the bottom of the Big 12 bucket, and this feels like a short-lived combo meal. 

Arizona needed a bold savior and they got the coaching equivalent of a lukewarm Arby’s Beef ’n Cheddar.  

Willie Fritz (Houston) – Cracker Barrel

Cracker Barrel is an old-timey country staple awkwardly plopped in a modern metropolis. 

Just like Willie Fritz!

Fritz is a 63-year-old coach with a proven track record of turning around smaller programs, hired to drag UH into relevance.  Hiring Fritz after ditching the perpetually red-faced tequila shot that was Dana Holgorsen is quite a shift in vibe. Fritz shows up early, does things the old-fashioned way, might not excite the Instagram crowd but gives you something resembling consistency. 

Mike Gundy (Oklahoma State) – Sonic Drive-In

Like Sonic, which started in small-town Oklahoma and grew big, Gundy took his alma mater from lovable local joint to a nationally recognized brand (well, kind of). He’s been at OSU for 20 years, consistently winning – 17 years with a winning record, and the longest-tenured coach in the league. 

Sonic is similarly consistent.  You always know you can get decent tater tots and a cherry slush no matter which turnpike you roll off. Still, there’s something undeniably trailer-park about both Gundy and Sonic. They have a mullet vibe, and both somehow really fit Stillwater’s energy.    

Kyle Whittingham (Utah) – Wendy’s

Wendy’s is an old-school joint that doesn’t get the nationwide hype of the big brands but quietly serves up quality and will absolutely tear you up if you underestimate it. 

Just like Kyle Whittingham at Utah.  

Whittingham is the elder statesman of the conference, yet he still somehow flies under the radar.  Utah under Whittingham has been a smashmouth, blue-collar team that’s just consistently good, even when everyone overlooks them.

Deion “Coach Prime” Sanders (Colorado) – Whole Foods Market

Finally, we arrive at Coach Prime himself – Deion Sanders.

Deion Sanders is Whole Foods Market, that high-end grocery paradise where everything is organic and overpriced…just like Deion Sanders (remember CU fans – this is DUM). 

In a conference full of greasy drive-thrus, Sanders and the Buffs are the artisanal brunch spot that makes its own kombucha. Whole Foods doesn’t apologize for being bougie, and neither does Deion. He’s brought an elite, Boulder-ish vibe to a conference that has more truck stops than juice bars. 

The good news is that Deion Sanders would probably chuckle at being compared to a grocery store, as long as it’s the luxury grocery store.   In a league where most coaches are glorified line cooks slinging hash, we’ve got the celebrity chef making (hopefully) a Michelin-star program.