Thanksgiving is a day for gratitude, mashed potatoes, and pretending your family isn’t one snarky comment away from reenacting the Pac-12 breakup in real time. And like every modern American family, mine expresses its love the only way we know how: by communicating entirely through a chaotic group chat, even when we’re sitting in the same room. This year, that chat will go fully off the rails. What follows is the unfiltered transcript of this upcoming Thanksgiving morning.
Grab a plate. You’re gonna need it.
6:07 AM — Me:
Happy Thanksgiving all! I’m thankful for all of you, and for the fact that CU doesn’t have a game until Saturday.
6:10 AM — Brother:
John, I’m thankful you’ve somehow remained emotionally stable despite covering a team with the 102ndranked offense and 105th ranked defense.
6:11 AM — Me:
Is that bad?
6:11 AM — Brother:
And you have to deal with CU’s social media “influencers,” which no man with a pulse should ever be asked to endure.
6:12 AM — Me:
You can’t feel any pain if you refuse to feel any emotion!
SENDS MEME OF GUY POINTING TO HIS HEAD
8:29 AM — Mom:
I hope everyone keeps warm this weekend. It’s going to be cold on Saturday and Sunday.
8:30 AM — Mom:
Thank you!
8:30 AM — Sister:
Mom, you’re replying to yourself again.
9:10 AM — Dad:
Did you guys see that CU put the statute of Bill McCartney in the corner of Franklin Field? Behind a fence? I’ve seen garage sale signs get more respect. We need to recognize and honor CU football’s history.
9:31 AM — Brother:
Dad, please don’t get cancelled before Thanksgiving dinner.
9:45 AM — Me:
Dad’s right tho.
Notre Dame’s got a literal Lou Holtz statue front and center.
Man tried to block the MLK holiday and acted like Kaepernick committed treason for kneeling.
But it’s ok. Statues reflect football legacy, not… you know…everything else.
9:55 AM – Aunt Barbara:
HEY NOW — “LET IT BE” AND “HEY JUDE” ARE ICONIC!
HOW DARE THEY HIDE HIS STATUE BEHIND A FENCE?
9:57 AM – Me:
Aunt Barbara….different McCartney.
9:59 AM – Aunt Barbara:
I KNEW THAT.
FREE ALL MCCARTNEYS.
10:02 AM – Uncle Mike
Was he the Beatles coach?
10:03 AM – EVERYONE
NO, UNCLE MIKE.
10:15 AM – Matt the Soccer Friend
Here’s a hot take: next CU statue should be a statue of Hope and Faith Leyba.
Faith heading a corner to Hope, who is ripping the ball into the.
Dad reacted ? to this message
10:26 AM: Mom
Is this about religion?
Please keep religion out of the chat.
10:27 AM: Me
Matt, I love you — but CU soccer readership numbers on the blog say your statue would end up behind a fence.
10:28 AM: Matt the Soccer Friend
Yeah, that tracks.
10:38 AM: Brother
Anyway, back to important matters. JuJu looks like he’s going to be the guy.
10:55 AM: Me
He’s completing 55% of his passes and averages less than 200 yards per game.
He might get there, but it’s there’s still an open question about whether he can be THE guy.
I’m pulling for him. And the WRs need to help him out by eliminating the drops.
10:56 AM: Brother
You’ve lost all credibility.
If you’re not willing to anoint Juju right now, you don’t know anything about football.
And I’m only living in my parent’s basement temporarily!
/s
10:57 AM: Me
Outstanding impression of CU twitter.
Brother reacted thumbs up to this message
11:29 AM: Mom
Hey Siri, is turkey safe if slightly pink?
11:31 AM: Sister
Mom, this isn’t Siri. This is a group chat.
11:32 AM: Mom
Damnit, Siri. I’m talking to you.
HEY SIRI, IS TURKEY SAFE IF SLIGHTLY PINK?!?!
11:38 AM: Sister
Mom’s over here operating her phone like a seasoned hacker and I just tried to take a picture of the turkey and instead screenshotted my own forehead.
This is going great.
11:39 AM: Brother
Inspiring stuff. Truly the tech fluency of champions.
11:41 AM: Me
Honestly that’s still better execution than CU’s defense.
11:43 AM: Brother
John, any update on the Tawfiq Byard injury?
He’s been our best player on defense by a mile.
11:44 AM: Me
Hand injury. Losing him hurt instantly – ASU went for 80 yards the moment he left the game.
I don’t think he’ll be back this year — why would he risk further injury playing a meaningless game in Manhattan, Kansas of all places.
11:45 AM: Dad
I’ve been to games in Manhattan several times over the years. Nice people.
11:45 AM: Me
Manhattan, Kansas: where even the GPS asks, “Are you sure?”
12:02 PM: Mom
Hey Siri, why is my turkey bleeding?
12:02 PM: Brother
Mom, that’s not possible.
12:03 PM: Me
Mom, this is still the group chat. Not Siri.
12:06 PM: Mom
Hey Siri, will a dog be ok if it eats undercooked turkey?
12:10 PM: Sister
WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HER PHONE AWAY.
12:11 PM: Brother
I didn’t have “emergency Thanksgiving trip to the vet” on my bingo card today.
12:18 PM: Aunt Barbara
WHAT IS THIS STATUE OF FOOTBALL WOMEN?
ARE THEY BEATLES ALSO?
12:19 PM: Me
I’m going to lie down.
12:31 PM: Wife
Does anyone else think it’s weird that you’re all in the same house, sitting in the same room….texting each other?
12:33 PM: Sister
…oh my god.
12:33 PM: Brother
This is bleak. I just looked up and made eye contact with all of you.
Terrifying experience. 0/10.
12:33 PM: Mom
Hey Siri, why is everyone looking at me?
12:34 PM: Me
Alright, team. Timeout.
Phones down.
Let’s try being together.
12:34 PM: Matt the Soccer Friend
Can I still campaign for the Leyba sisters statue?
12:34 PM: Aunt Barbara
FREE ALL MCCARTNEYS
12:34 PM: Me
Yes, Matt, and thanks for the political activism, Aunt Barbara.
Thanksgiving is about the people in this group text…I mean in this room.
The food, the interruptions, the chaos. The ability to laugh at ourselves.
It’s about reminiscing over college dorm room stunts when we were dumb kids and old football games against the Corndogs.
It’s about showing up for each other, even when we’re a little unhinged.
Even when the team we follow is awful.
12:34 PM: Dad
Amen to that.
Well not the fact that the team we follow is awful.
You know what I meant.
12:35 PM: Me
We do, dad.
Here’s to us.
To family and friends.
To good food, to good company, and caring deeply about things that don’t always seem to care back.
Cough, CU football, cough.
12:35 PM: Mom
Now that’s something to be thankful for.
If you’d like to read more in the BuffsBlog blogosphere, check out this article handicapping the next CU athletic director:
I can relate. LOL
Happy Thanksgiving!
As “Mom” I want it known that I don’t ask Siri that many questions. And yes, we all have much to be thankful for.
For the record this is not a reference to my mother! Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental!!!! Love you mom!!!!